The city reeks of the night, long into the morning. I never knew that before. My life consists of pre-dawn bedtimes, living the night as any respectable Detroit resident would. I love music and made a job out of it, I spin my heart and soul out to that dance floor every chance I get, but today I’m up early.
Alfonz and I have been dating for two years. He’s everything to me that music can’t provide. I’m always subconsciously looking for him when we’re not together, wishing he was there, wanting to talk to him, but knowing we’d do so much more. I never know when he wants to be the isolationist, not returning my calls and nowhere to be found, or when he wants to be the lover that keeps me coming back.
My heart swoons when I think of the sweet things he does; bringing flowers to my DJ booth, leaving poems on my bed, rubbing my body down to help me fall asleep. He’s everything I’ve ever thought I wanted in a boyfriend. He’s rugged but sweet, artistic and smart, and man is he hot. My heart constantly aches to be with him, but where is he?
The back stairs to his apartment look different in the daylight. Two years together and the red glow at dusk is the closest I’ve been to being in his place during the day. I don’t have a key, so I knock, and then knock again. “I know you’re in there, Saul told me you lost your job two weeks ago.”
I knock again. “Alfonz, let me in!”
A shadow passes in front of the peephole and a few more seconds go by before the door cracks open. “Kat, what are you doing here?”
The way he has the door still mostly shut makes me wonder if I want to know what or who is inside. The backs of my eyes sting and my heart leaps to my throat, cutting off the words I wanted to say. He’s so beautiful. We look so good together. He with his cinnamon toasted skin, almond shaped eyes and rugged black beard and hair fit perfectly with my cream complexion, black hair and blue eyes thickly outlined in coal. I look straight ahead to the curve below his shoulder, where I fit perfectly a foot shorter than him. I want to curl into that space now and forget all the things I want to bring up to him. I want to sweep them out of my mind so I don’t have to ask.
“Can I come in?” My eyes drift to the edge of the door where his long fingers are holding it close to his face.
Alfonz looks around for a moment and the pain it causes me to think he might not want me to come in makes me want to give him his space. I shouldn’t have come. He pulls the door open the rest of the way and the confidence I had slapping my boots to the pavement on the way over leaves my body in one swift rush. I want to be with him though, so I sheepishly step inside.
Depeche Mode is playing quietly in the living room when I take a seat on a couch that I feel I should know better. The room looks so bare with the daylight streaking through the windows onto the only three things in here; a couch, coffee table and a CD player against the opposite wall. He has a glass of water sitting on the table, something I knew about him and the morning. He always left the empty glass from his morning water sitting in the sink at my apartment. I would find it when I awoke, long after he was gone.
“What are you doing here?” He asks as he sets the chair from the kitchen table into the room and takes a seat in it, leaving me lonesome on the spacious couch. I want his warmth near me.
I bite my red lipstick, trying to look cute, trying to win him over again, though I’m not sure why I feel the need to do so. “I played my big gig last night, at Saint Andrews and I didn’t see you there. I wanted to make sure you were alright.” I lied at the end.
Being the opener at Saint Andrews Hall for LCD Soundsystem was all I had been talking about for the last three months. Deciding what to play and wear were a big deal for me, the show was a big deal for me. I had never been asked to do something so cool in my life, but the night wasn’t complete without Alfonz at my side.
The night started with unstoppable smiles and wide eyes as I drank with the band backstage. Then, a tinge of wonder set in, where was Alfonz? He was supposed to be here an hour ago. In what felt like seconds of arriving at the Hall, I was on stage. I made sure to mix Just Like Heaven into my set, the song Alfonz and I met to at eighties night in the Labyrinth. When I got off stage I realized he still wasn’t there. He had missed my big moment. I’d been texting him, but to no avail.
Now, we sit, staring at one another, knowing that I’m hurt but he’s not willing to own up to it. The silence surrounds us and it makes me anxious, “Why weren’t you at my show last night?”
“I didn’t feel like being around all those people, bumping into me, spilling drinks. You always want me to go to places like that.”
His mood changed with what was convenient. It would have been fine to go if it had been his idea, his friends, his night. “You knew how important that was to me.”
“I’m sure you had a fine time, hanging out with all the guys you’ve been talking about nonstop for months.” He grabs his water with no emotion.
“I missed you.” I feel pathetic, the way the words I planned to say won’t slip past my lips. Why had he gotten fired? Why didn’t he tell me? What had he been doing all this time that he’d said he’d been going to work? My world sank away last night as I left the Hall and Alfonz’s goon friend Saul drunkenly told me Alfonz had gotten fired two weeks ago. It was the final straw that turned my sadness into anger, but here, now, looking at my sexy best friend I don’t want to know if it means losing him.
“I know,” he twists his glass around in his hands, “and I can’t do it anymore.”
It feels like my organs have dropped out of me, “Can’t do what anymore?”
“This.” His voice is strong and emotionless. “You need to know my every move, I can’t live under your thumb.”
“What are you talking about? I never meant to make you feel that way.” I can’t believe this is happening. My heart fills my chest with a hollowness that feels permanent.
“What are you doing here?” He’s on the verge of yelling. “You can’t even give me peace at home. This is done. We’re over.”
The tears come. They roll over my cheeks in thick drops, “I came because I was worried. I never come here. I always give you your space.”
“It doesn’t feel like it. Look,” he walks over and pulls me off the sofa into a soft hug, “give me the weekend off, let’s see where we’re at Monday.”
I acquiesce and stumble down the back stairs of his apartment building. The ground is heavy on my feet and I try to focus on that feeling until my eyes have dried. I can’t imagine my life without Alfonz. Rugged, sweet, hot Alfonz. Alfonz who leaves me poetry on my bed, Alfonz who leaves his water glass in the sink, Alfonz who doesn’t come to my shows, Aflonz who makes me feel bad for visiting friends, Alfonz who doesn’t tell me he’s been fired from work.
I hear a buzz rattling some change in my purse and pull out my cell. I don’t recognize the number. “This is Kat.”
“Kat, hi, oh, sorry for calling you so early. This is Gavin….Russom…..from LCD Soundsystem….we met last night.”
“Yea,” a laugh slips out, “I know who you are.”
“Great, so I was calling to see if you wanted to grab some breakfast or something.”
The hollowness in me fills with a warmth I’d forgotten I could feel.
Alternative U: The Name Project 